sometimes…

you should know when to keep silence
you should know when to lend a hand
you should know when to withdraw your gaze
you should know when to take a step forward
you should know when to step away
you should know when to stop and stare
you should know when to run and fall
you should know when to smile through hurt
you should know when to let the tears not fall
you should know when to stop the music playing
you should know when to drop your ego
you should know when to realise you have an ego
you should know when to show yourself
you should know when to camouflage yourself
you should know when to put an end to monotony
you should know when to stay with the monotony
you should know when to forgive faults not under control
you should know when to keep grudges and go along
you should know when to stop staring at the lappie
you should know when to stop caring so much
you should know when to run away…
you should know when to break free….

as you please…

over the past month i have been too disentangled from my own self… running away from myself rather by piling up something or the other on myself… not that this sem’s acads are a breather, in the first place… i don’t remember ever being so busy – so much so that i’ve not had a decent conversation with someone, without the constant pressure of a reminder of something to be done ringing in my head… i have watched one movie – slumdog millionaire – in the entire month of january… i have not talked to him as much as i’d wanted to – as much as he’d wanted to – but somehow he’s been so supportive and has adjusted to my constant running commentary on my day’s activities, what’s to be done and cribs about how infinitely screwed up i am.

all through this while, i feel i was constantly estranged even though i have so many with me – and especially him… there have been so many times that i’ve wanted to vent but have found no outlet… i have been addicted to songs – when i’ve had the time to listen to them – based mostly on minor chords… in the early hours of the morning, in the wee hours of the night… have walked alone, even though there were people walking with me… have stood silent, even though there were people constantly conversing by my side… have suddenly become invisible in the blinding light… have become selfish and shamefully so… have kept so much inside that if i start now i know someone or the other will be hurt if i begin… have hoped against hope that all this negativity vanishes into an event horizon of some kind, though knowing that i won’t unless i myself take the initiative…

but there are so many clauses, so many people who hold me dear and i fear i will hurt, so many conundrums, so many conditions to be satisfied simultaneously and the sacrificing soul that i am, working and wanting the happiness of others, i get lost myself…
then i come back in the end to wonder why i let it all happen if i didn’t find any happiness for my own self… within the folds of this complicated mess of things… i have stopped comprehending…

i wish to run away… i wish to just let loose… i just want to run away from everything – and yet i want everything to vanish and sleep in peace in his arms… i don’t know what i have become…

endless conundrums…

whizzing past the billborads on the highway like the faces, so near yet so far… i don’t know what to write, what not to write… i don’t know what i have become – i don’t know how to get on from here, i don’t have what it takes to get up and face the chill… what am i so scared of? what am i hiding from? and by doing all this, why am i harming my own self? why am i playing along like this, without a thought yet with a million thoughts in my head waiting to take some form in this material world… who will notice? who will care? why do i need someone to care? why do i need to be told? why do i need to be heard? why do i need to share? why do i need to speak? why not just leave and let all this be a beautiful memory? why is there a constant reminder of things? why is there no clear conscience? why am i behaving like this? why all these speculations? why the why?

kicchu bhaalo laagche na… ki jaani ki hoye gechi aami… iccha kore kono din bhenge pori kintu aamar shonge je aaro teen-te praan jora… kikore boli kauke…

fresh days…

so i’m blogging 40 mins after the awaited hour of midnight – was in a hall filled with people, my ‘bong connection’, was awaiting a message and was awaiting a call… strange how those three things kind of sum up my past year and going according to common belief, this year as well…its strange, this does not feel like the beginning of a new year at all – much like my birthday didn’t seem like a birthday to me at all… the realization that yet another year is past is yet to dawn on me…

a few resolutions which i make for the coming sem, considering my life has become defined on sems now :
put my best in things i choose to do
participate in things i’ve always wanted to
let my ego be trampled upon – its for the good
find time for love, family and acads (order not specified)
not get too emotional at things, atleast not in front of people
value people worth being treasured
not hurt people dear to me
lose weight.

frosty fetishes :)

30 hours from the sultry city of dreams to the city beautiful boarded the train in a half sleeve tee ; a cotton full shirt 5 hours hence ; cuddled up in the blanket all night ; hostel sweatshirt on next morn a sunny ‘brunch meet’ at the capital’s station the most awaited one… four hours later, was in the car with ma baba, going home enroute the newly built zirakpur flyover… tried to find the familiar ‘pi scholastics’ building but alas

things i noticed were affected by the temperature changes… the water in the loo for one – brushing was quite an ordeal and i’d given up on washing my face but ended up doing so considering i was gonna see him after a year almost the ‘dr lips’ tube in my pocket – warmed by the tepid envelope it managed to remain at its initial temperature until it alighted on the dressing table here at home and solidified – something i smiled at when i realised it… moot i know, but still…

woke up this morning to find that even the metal frame of my specs gave me a twinge, being groggy and eager to get back under the blanket… my watch seemed to have been yielded in ice… a loose tshirt fluttered around my midriff in the morning breeze, sending a welcome shiver up my frame… its so good to be back home

you have become…

There’s so much more about you that you never let them see
You turn away But not to me
And I know how they tried to take you
Held you up and meant to break you down
But you can’t be

For so long I tried to reach you
I know I’m almost there
I’m close enough for you to see

You’ve been hiding in the shadows
Have you forgotten how we used to dream
Let me remind you The light doesn’t blind you at all
It just helps you see Can you see

Yeah you have become
Yeah you have become beautiful

Brush back your hair and look around you
Feeling like the truth has found you here
You’re here with me
Let love become the mirror
With no fear where you’re from
You have become beautiful

fortune

sometimes there come moments in life which you wish would freeze forever – the flood light, the discus throw area, laughter in our eyes, music in our hearts – the realm of fondness, smiles of completeness…

something about that moment left me spellbound for more than a few seconds – i slipped consciously into this reflective phase of what i was a year ago and what i have now… i have no qualms in saying that i am thankful for whatever i have… God has been more than fair to me and for that, i hope i remain credible enough, because i do not to wish to lose these pieces that make up the larger picture of me… paradoxical i know, how something peripheral is seemingly imperative in my definition of my own self…

you ask for something and you get another – and its beautiful before you even begin to realise its magnitude… God is wonderful and i simply couldn’t ask for more – i’m complete…

a realisation dawns for want of better days
He comes and waves, and i remain swayed…

as it comes…

third sem is officially over… basic spi equals basic cpi equals 8.85 – no improvement, no deterioration – consistent performance, taking a conservative stand…
the past few days have been nice… i finished my urop today – for this sem atleast… have been literally free for the first time this afternoon… love got my card and he was completely awed by it… was extremely glad he liked it – more so that his parents were impressed…
have been hanging out thesedays with roomie, bubbly, AD and saggi baby… fab five as we call ourselves… its nice to belong somewhere – and know that you have a rapport with a group of people… even it is a lukkha group though it is much more than that… have been missing love a lot less – because of this company i think…

watched the godfather today – didn’t quite appreciate it… to an extent i’m appalled at myself that i did not minimally appreciate the second greatest movie of all time according to imdb … i don’t even feel like re-watching it… it did not have the capturing quality like shawshank redemption did… that is one movie that i really would die to watch… but still, the godfather being such a legend, i’m a tad bit ashamed i did not even begin to attempt to understand the minutiae of it… at the end of the day – i didn’t like it. period.

life is wonderful in a way – no acad pressure – no time constraints… friends… fun… love

holidays

december holidays – spending them here at insti… i wonder why blogging frequency takes a dip during hols… the first day after the endsems, i didn’t care about my blog even half as much as i did the day before… well whatever the reason be, the following are what i’m up to mostly :

completion of my UROP by 7th dec (i’ve set a deadline for myself as this friday, the 5th)
going to make biodiesel today at lab scale yay!
got addicted to the songs of yuvraaj since last evening – especially ‘lat ulajhe’
love will be going home day after
feeling extremely tense about deadlines – have to work very very hard these four days
the mess is closed from today for the whole of december – i’m anxious about food
made saggi baby’s birthday card i can’t wait to post it

3rd sem over :(

“this sem was – to say the least – carefree and fun “

funny how the above line was supposed to be my happy mood after the endsems ended on 25th evening… after 2 days and 3 hours – i’m totally gloomy… my hair are awry and i just woke up from sleep from having spent the entire day working on a biodiesel plant meeting and then the meeting itself… i wake up at 9 30 just to head for dinner and get a message that the thermo grades are out – i got a 9… theek hai… i’m neutral about it – no happiness was gained from knowing that fact – and missed dinner in the process…

apart from that – bombay is under terrorist attack… after 24 hours, the encounter is still on – the deccan mujahideen claiming responsibility… quite a few friends of mine came back half an hour before the CST firing occurred… a taxi went up in flames near another friend’s place…

i’m almost crying i’m so scared… the whole world up in flames… why god why? give us a justification or even a hint of it… i wonder if even insti is safe… over and above this underlying fear is the looming 60 research papers to be read for my UROP completion… a daunting in itself…

we did manage to kaato awesome lukkha though… roomie, saggi baby, bubbly, AD and me… watched the grudge, went for dinner at happy singh’s – dessert at CCD after , music lukkha, kung fu panda and the sameer hill climb accomplised mission of watching sunrise from the summit despite guards warning us against panthers … we’re dumbly brave

i don’t know how to react after all this happened in 2 days… i feel numb…

winter mornings…

the sun is not out yet and its already 9 30 am… not expected on a november day in bombay… reminds me of home – chandigarh… winters around the corner and a chill in the air… not quite being able to decide whether or not to go with a half sleeve t shirt and a cotton jacket or a full sleeve t shirt… sneezes and sniffles in the air as the chain of flu elongates around the neighbourhood… 

reminds of jee preparation days – eyes barely open while snuggled beneath the covers and purring to ma to let me sleep some more… walking out barefoot into the balcony and blowing out ’smoke’ from my mouth while watching the subtle yellow sun far out, diminished of its glare and life by the mist and fog… marvelling at the little leaves sprouting from the petunias, calendulas, allysums, chrysanthymums and phlox we’d planted… ma calling me inside for breakfast, scolding me for not wearing socks… 

the chill of the morning is beautiful… i’m waiting for christmas to feel it again when i’ll be home again for a week…

Protected: so close no matter how far…

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

I)

why can’t we give love?

‘Cause love’s such an old fashioned word
And love dares you to care for
The people on the edge of the night
And loves dares you to change our way of
Caring about ourselves
This is our last dance
This is ourselves
Under pressure

♫ under pressure – queen

:)

sometimes there a forgotten passwords… and now there’s him

my hero