naina raat ko chalte chalte swargan mein le jaave
megh malhaar ke sapne dije hariyali dikhlave
nainon ki zubaan pe bharosa nahi aata
likhad parakh na rasid na khaata...
bin baadal barsaaye saawan saawan bin barsaata...
nainon ki mat maaniyo re
nainon ki mat suniyo
nainon ki mat suniyo re
naina thag lenge...
why do the worst things happen to the best people…
i wonder why i’m even bothering to give these exams… every question i attempt at solving involves some mistake or the other… i forget to square, or take root, divide by two, mess up units, interchange signs… just everything… why bother? i feel like giving up…
Today is gonna be the day
That they’re gonna throw it back to you
By now you should’ve somehow
Realized what you gotta do
I don’t believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now
Backbeat the word was on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I’m sure you’ve heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don’t believe that anybody feels
The way I do about you now
And all the roads we have to walk along are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
I don’t know how
Because maybe
You’re gonna be the one who saves me ?
And after all
You’re my wonderwall
Today was gonna be the day?
But they’ll never throw it back to you
By now you should’ve somehow
Realized what you’re not to do
I don’t believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
About you now
And all the roads that lead to you were winding
And all the lights that light the way are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
I don’t know how
I said maybe
You’re gonna be the one who saves me ?
And after all
You’re my wonderwall
I said maybe
You’re gonna be the one who saves me ?
And after all
You’re my wonderwall
went to see off hiya didi at the internation airport today… she was supposed to go from cal itself but her connecting flight from frankfurt got cancelled as the frankfurt airport is on strike… so – surprise! i get to see her yet again… she went today (is gonna go, rather in another one and a half hours) by the air india direct flight to new york… she’s going to cornell to do her PhD in physics…
went to her chotomama’s place at mira road… was a good experience… traveling in bombay – i’m learning to get around this city and falling in love with it more and more… ::shy smile::
got to meet ayan as well tonight… 
i wish for him all his dreams, that they come true…
but dearest sis – we were like we always are… laughing, joking and teasing… smirks and grins and winks… i’ll miss her… to think that we’re at a time difference of 9.5 hours… i wonder when i’ll get to talk to her… i expected tears from me this time – but they didn’t come…
sometimes i think i give more than what people need… and then they disregard it and i’m left in doubt whether that person was actually the same person i thought he was…
jaanina ki hobe kichu bochor por… ke jaane ke kothaye chole jaabe… aami chai je aamra khushi thaaki… aami jaani aami or shongei khushi paabo – o thaaklei aamar jibon-e kamon notun aekta zeal aashe… aami or jonne-o eita-i wish kori… aami chai she uthe eta bhebe daekhe je o oke koto bhaalobashe… uthe poro di… o tomaake bhishon bhaalobaashe… aami chai tomra dujone-i khushi thaako… tumi kaeno dekhte pacchona….
the event :
a literary and debating competition to be held at the Indian School of Business, Hyderabad from the 25th-27th jul…
we’d be leaving on 24th morning at 10 30 am by train and be coming back on 28th at 12 30 pm
reasons not to go :
reasons to go :
well that kind of beats it… i’m not going – even though i could have… i fought with him with tears streaming down my face… which are dry on my face right now… screaming – hoping he’ll convince me in one way or another not to go… and he did
was weirdly ill last night… a constant feeling of uncontrollable nature’s call but on going to the loo, find that i can only pass out 1 ml of the thing… on top of which, there was this pain on the lower left side of my stomach… i was scared it might be appendicitis or something wrong with my right kidney…
in the process i discovered that all my medicines had expired – i forgot to take the medicine kit home this time and baba could not replenish them… thankfully my roomie had some…
and to top it – i had only Rs 1.76 on my phone balance – thankfully std calls are only Rs 1.50 courtesy airtel prepaid and local calls are 50 paise… so i could atleast give a missed to people i needed to talk to…
in between the infinite trips to the loo without any eventful passage and vomiting twice and that twisting pain in my stomach, i realised i’ve become invaluable to three people in this world… i used to be the world to my parents – and still am, but there has been an addition in the last year – he’s says i’m his everything…
i’m unwell – i get stung by an ant, i develop fever or any kind of ache, the first call is to baba… i trust him he’s given me all the medicines to make me well… in the process, i hear ma’s scared and fearful voice… i’m the world to them… i thought i’d cry buckets this time at the airport when leaving home… i didn’t… i fought my tears very hard… the last time i saw my parents was when i was proceeding to the security check – they were outside, waving from the window – tears in their eyes… there were tears in mine too but i was fighting hard to keep them back, waving with a smile… its so hard to leave home…
i think of them – they’re sending me out in the world so that i may have the best of education and life possible… i wonder how the lonely car ride home without their only daughter might seem… and walking into a house that still has traces of her touch all over it… i painted the bathroom and kitchen tiles this time… maybe ma walks into the bathroom and cries on seeing those paintings… maybe she sees me while she’s cooking in the kitchen…
i wonder how they can adjust to the fact that even though i love them so much, i’ve let someone else take an irreplaceable place in my life too… that we trust each other so much so that his mother acknowledges that i can cool him down more than she can when he’s disturbed…
they spent 18 years of their lives bringing up their child only to find that even though they know that their child loves and respects them a lot, everytime they call, they find they are on waiting because she is speaking to someone else… how can they adjust to the fact that for 18 years there were two and a year later, there are 3? and the third is soon gonna overtake their importance in her life…
but maybe they remember their own teenage as well… maybe they understand… that even though she loves this third person, their importance is in no way diminished to her… she still respects them as much as ever…
i wonder what kind of a frame of mind i’m writing this in… i’m only 18… is it weird i can feel my mother’s pain? i don’t know… i’m just writing what i feel…
anyway, what i started off with… i’m invaluable to three people in the world… they are my world…
i want to thank God for the three of them – two loving parents and a love i won’t find in all the time to come… thank you…
lines from ‘better days’ by the goo goo dolls… i can’t help but listen to this song over and over again thesedays…
it was the 7th of jan, ‘08 – 12 45am… i had just played a horrible joke on him… and he didn’t realise it… i acted hurt and he sympathised with me… and when i did tell him it was all a joke, he shut me off completely… he behaved so so erratically that i couldn’t believe that i had awaken the worst in him… i couldn’t forgive myself for what i had done… he blocked me from chat, switched off his cell… to leave me in desperation – a pillow soaked with tears and muffled screams of guilt… i kept trying his phone every 15 mins… i finally got through at 2 am…
both of us had cried like anything… and he told me to listen to ‘better days’… i did… and as silent tears rolled down my cheeks and whimpers from him were all i could hear, i knew that things were going to ok… i promised him that i’d never do anything like that again – ever…
gave my lappie for a battery change – it was discharging real fast – like in 15 mins when its supposed to last for 12 times that amount… the servicers formatted my lappie and as a result all my data is lost – acads, music and pics… all of them
i most probably won’t get to meet him this year… i don’t know the reason why God is testing us like this…
tonight is the night which decides whether i have dengue or not. have had fever for the past two nights. if i have it today, i will have to get a blood test done tomorrow. i hope and pray i don’t have dengue. its not even dengue time.
some clutter on my desk, some tears shed sitting there
some distant howls of lonely dogs, wind whistling through the eerie night.
i scribble words till they make no sense,
perhaps i’m waiting for someone to come make sense
i can’t go on, i simply can’t
and then, god heeds my prayers.
it is him – my neo, my saviour come
to whisk me away to far, far away
to neverland.
nine months on, and there are tears
tears on my keyboard
though becoming as adept to type with closed eyes
the screen burns the humour in my eyes.
typing away into the night, these million words that make up us
and yet, time and again i fail to appreciate his worth.
meaningless jokes which haunt me all night
tossing and turning, peace may not be mine
they met on an online friends’ community… scrapped… chatted… talked… for hours on end… fell in love… neither had seen the other but they were still in love – madly and hopelessly… they became each others’ strengths… thinking about each other every waking moment… they basked in their love…
and then one day, every correspondence with was lost… no one picked up his phone… no replies to her mails and messages… no replies to her letters… she got more and more devastated… frantic… agonised… heartbroken… where was he? and why would not talk to her? had something bad happened to him? oh God, be with him, please…
her moments of wait elongated… she wanted to get suprised every time she checked her cell, her inbox or her mailbox – maybe one ray of hope would come through? he promised he would always come back to her… and she believed in it… she prayed and prayed for him to be safe… for him to come back to her…
but the seconds turned to minutes… minutes turned to hours… hours turned to days… days to months… months to years… years to decades… decades of constant wait, every moment of her day… and she still believed he would come back…
but he never did… she never got any report of his being – alive or dead… until her last moment, she waited… now, she can no more… because, she knew they’d be together once again… somehow… somewhere… in some way…
with 6 days to go for my endsem exams, i get bitten by an ant… a ‘three piece’, as nupur terms it – a black head and thorax and a red abdomen… one bite at 1 pm… its alright, just a bit of the stinging sensation till evening… at 3am in the morning, my foot is swollen (it bit me 4 inches above the right ankle) and its so swollen, i can’t make out my ankle bone protruding… its itching and hot… and there’s this weird kind of pain associated with the oedema…
walking is a pain – i seem to have an elephant’s foot… i feel like taking my comb and scratching the entire area… stupid ant…
and now i’m to take 7 medicines a day – sleep inducing ones, mind you – for a stupid ant bite just 6 days before my ‘final’ exams… why didn’t it just put me into coma… atleast that way, i’d avoid the exams and hence, the prep for them
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